Christopher Hitchens
On the Huffington Post, we recently explored what science has to say about the late polemicist Christopher Hitchens’ claim that women aren’t as funny as men. As we noted, in nearly every sort of quantitative test imaginable, men and women have actually been found to be far more alike than different in how they perceive, enjoy and create humor.
Yes, a few studies suggest men might have a slight advantage over women coming up with good jokes. But no one ever asked which gender is more likely to produce jokes that are offensive — until now. To find out, Peter had 46 students at the University of Colorado take part in a joke competition, then had others rate the results from 1 to 5 in funniness and offensiveness.
Working with colleagues Caleb Warren and Kathleen Vohs, Peter discovered that students rated jokes created by men slightly funnier than those penned by women. But the guys’ jokes were significantly more likely to offend.
The full results are below — all 46 jokes, ranked from most funny to least funny, along with the gender of their author plus their average funniness and offensiveness ratings. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the acronyms, “CU” stands for the University of Colorado at Boulder, which all these students attend, and “CSU” stands for Colorado State University, CU’s longstanding rival.
One final warning: Some of the jokes below are pretty off-color, since in this battle of the sexes, there were a lot of blows below the belt.
The jokes:
How do you know you’re been robbed by an Asian? Your homework is all finished, your computer has been upgraded, and he’s still trying to back out of your driveway.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 4.49
Offensiveness rating: 1.91
What’s the first thing a CU girl does when she wakes up? Walks home.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 4.15
Offensiveness rating: 2.00
Penn State Football: Go in as a tight end and leave as a wide receiver.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 4.13
Offensiveness rating: 2.49
Rich man and poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They meet on Madison Avenue when shopping for their wives. So, the poor man says to the rich man, “What did you buy your wife this year?” He says, “I bought her a huge diamond ring and a brand new Mercedes. Poor man says: “What did you get her both for?” Rich man says: “If she doesn’t like the diamond ring, she can bring it back on the Mercedes and still be happy. What did you get your wife this year?” Poor man says: “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.” Rich man asks: “Why?” Poor man says: “If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 4.13
Offensiveness rating: 2.02
Bill forgot his anniversary. His wife was naturally angry and told him that in the morning she expected a gift in the driveway that would take her from 0-200 in 6 seconds. She awoke to see a box in the driveway. Surprised, she took it inside, opened it, and found a scale. Bill has been missing for over a week.
Author: Male
Funniness ranking (1 to 5): 4.04
Offensiveness rating: 1.80
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Add a nipple to it.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 3.89
Offensiveness rating: 2.20
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We batter start getting some support or people are gonna think we’re nuts.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 3.77
Offensiveness rating: 1.68
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Author: Male
Funniness ranking (1 to 5): 3.67
Offensiveness rating: 1.27
Two tampons cross each other on the street… Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 3.63
Offensiveness rating: 2.07
So a man walks up to a woman in a grocery store. He says, “Oh, I see that you have eggs, turkey, milk, bread, and cheese — you must be single.” The woman looks at him confused and asks, “How did you know that I’m single?” The man replies, “Because you’re ugly.”
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 3.55
Offensiveness rating: 1.85
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper. Oops…
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 3.45
Offensiveness rating: 1.51
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega-sore-ass. What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking. What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After 10 years, the job still sucks.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 3.43
Offensiveness rating: 2.43
How many players are on the court in a Mexican basketball league? 2… because they play Juan-on-Juan.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 3.33
Offensiveness rating: 1.71
A midget with a list wants to buy a horst so he goes to a local farm. “I’d like to buy a horth please,” he says to the owner. “What sort of horse,” he replies. “A female horth please.” So the farmer takes him to his finest male. “Nice horth,” says the midget. “Can I thee her eyeth?” The owner picks him up and shows him the horse’s eyes. “Nice eyeth, can I thee her teeth?” Again, the owner picks him up and shows him the horse’s teeth. “Nice teeth, can I thee her eerth,” says the midget. The owner started getting fed up with the midget, but he again picks him up and shows him the horse’s ears. “Nithe eerth, can I thee her twat?” At this, the owner shows the midget under the horse’s tail and pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, “Let me weefwaze that, can I thee her wun awound a wittle bit?”
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 3.31
Offensiveness rating: 2.18
When I was younger I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn’t work that way… So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 3.30
Offensiveness rating: 1.60
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotapus.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 3.29
Offensiveness rating: 2.18
One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing. But to me, that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 3.27
Offensiveness rating: 1.64
Parents are getting a divorce and the kid has to decide who to live with… Judge: Do you want to live with your dad? Kid: No, my dad beats me. Judge: Then do you want to live with your mom? Kid: No, she beats me too. Judge: Then who do you want to live with? Kid: Mmm… What about the CU football team… because they don’t beat anyone.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 3.15
Offensiveness rating: 1.60
Life is a test and you’re graded on a curve: At age 4, success is not peeing your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. As age 16, success is having a driver’s license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money. At age 50, success is having money. At age 60, success is having sex. At age 70, success is having a driver’s license. At age 75, success is having friends. At age 80, success is not peeing your pants.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 3.06
Offensiveness rating: 1.57
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom, one of the pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start, I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few ddays go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak in the roof! Can you fix it please?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day, the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snorts. The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 2.79
Offensiveness rating: 1.66
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees two lines formed outside the pearle gates with signs hanging above them. One sign says “I did everything my wife tells me to do” and the other says “I never listened to my wife.” The first line has hundreds of men lined up whereas the other has but one guy. The man walks up to the lone guy and recognizes him as his friend Tom! He stands there confused and says “Tom, why are you in this line?” Tom nervously looks around and whispers “My wife told me to stand here!”
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 2.76
Offensiveness ranking (1 to 5): 1.36
What don’t people play poker in Africa? There’s too many Cheetas.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 2.66
Offensiveness rating: 1.30
What do graduates of University of Northern Colorado and tornados have in common? The both end up in trailer parks.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 2.62
Offensiveness rating: 2.13
What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked? A seatbelt!
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 2.58
Offensiveness rating: 1.89
A brain walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “I’m sorry, I can’t serve you… you’re already out of your head.”
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 2.42
Offensiveness rating: 1.20
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The egg is content, smoking a cigarette while the chicken is discontent and irritated and says… “Well I guess you answered the question of who came first.”
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 2.40
Offensiveness rating: 1.66
If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 2.40
Offensiveness rating: 1.13
What did the snail say when it jumped on the turtle’s back? Weeeee!
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 2.34
Offensiveness rating: 1.21
Who works part time as a highway traffic cone? Snooki.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 2.31
Offensiveness rating: 1.33
What do CU & CSU students have in common? They all got into CSU.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 2.21
Offensiveness rating: 1.30
I enjoy dancing in the park, on a blizzard snow day, with no one around, including my penis.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 2.17
Offensiveness rating: 1.72
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls 911. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, what now?”
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 2.17
Offensiveness ranking (1 to 5): 1.74
There was a blonde who got sick of all the blonde jokes, so one evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement. “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do… I memorized all the state capitals.” One guy said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?” “N,” she answered.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 2.17
Offensiveness ranking (1 to 5): 1.34
A man is sitting on his porch when his neighbor walks outside. The man asks, “What you got there?” The neighbor responds, “duct tape.” “Why?” “To get some ducks.” “You can’t get ducks with duct tape!” But the neighbor just walked away. To the man’s surprise, the neighbor came back with a bunch of ducks later that day! The next morning, the man was sitting on his porch and his neighbor walked outside again. “What you got there?” “Chicken wire.” “Why?” “To get some chickens.” “You can’t get chickens with chicken wire!” But again, the neighbor came back with a bunch of chickens at the end of the day! On the third day, the man was waiting anxiously for his neighbor to walk outside. When he finally saw his neighbor, the man asked, “What you got there?” His neighbor responded “Pussy willow.” The time, the man exclaimed, “Wait for me. I’ll go get my hat!”
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 2.15
Offensiveness ranking (1 to 5): 1.74
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. Immediately after paying for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is odd and asks his assistant that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, the man comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, the assistant returns. “So did you follow him?” “I did.” “And… where did he go?” The assistant looked around nervously. “To your house.”
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 1.94
Offensiveness ranking (1 to 5): 1.85
What did the firecracker say to the chicken? BOOM! Roasted…
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 1.77
Offensiveness rating: 1.21
Peter McGraw is the Chuck Norris of Buyer Behavior. He doesn’t choose which garbage disposal to buy, the garbage disposal picks him.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 1.74
Offensiveness rating: 1.26
TIM TEBOW
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 1.60
Offensiveness rating: 2.32
What was the pessimist’s blood type? B-negative.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 1.51
Offensiveness rating: 1.09
You know the stripper myth? The myth is “I’m stripping to pay my tuition.” No you’re not, there’s no strippers in college. There’s no clear heals in biology. I didn’t know they had a college that took one dollar bills. If they have so many strippers in college, how come I never had a smart lap dance?I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, “You know, ever since the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete.”
Author: Unidentified
Funniness rating: 1.51
Offensiveness rating: 1.62
An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this… some kind of joke?”
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 1.47
Offensiveness rating: 1.28
A three-legged dog walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a scotch. The bartender says, “Dog! What are you doing in this bar?!” And the dog says, “I’m trying to find the guy that shot my pa’!”
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 1.47
Offensiveness rating: 1.36
A guy shows up late for work. His boss yells “You should have been here at8:30!” He replies, “Why? What happened at8:30?”
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 1.43
Offensiveness rating: 1.19
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but they have to do it while you’re eating dinner.
Author: Male
Funniness rating: 1.43
Offensiveness rating: 1.21
Why did the dubstep cross the road? It didn’t because it never goes anywhere.
Author: Female
Funniness ranking (1 to 5): 1.34
Offensiveness ranking (1 to 5): 1.26
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender looked at me and then brought out a guy who looked just like me.
Author: Female
Funniness rating: 1.33
Offensiveness rating: 1.18
